Feelings

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I’ve been thinking a bit too much lately. I don’t want to plague you with my emotions, but self-harming has been a part of my life since childhood and because of that coping mechanism it’s obvious I run and hide when I see an emotion.

I used to be quite dramatic. I was afraid I’d choke on my food so I would chew it and then run to the trash can to spit it out. I was afraid to be alone with myself (my thoughts and feelings) so I’d cry at night not wanting to go to sleep. Night lights didn’t help me, only eating soft foods didn’t help me. I was afraid.

I’d punish myself. If I got in time out or did something wrong, I’d cry and throw a fit and then I’d only eat rice for dinner. I’d tell myself I needed to be good…and that the punishment of staying in my room wasn’t enough.

At eleven I had a major problem with stress and acne and scratching my forehead until it was one bloody mess.

At twelve my parents got divorced and I had my first full blown anxiety attack…which led to me completely loosing any sense of coping mechanism. I hated emotions…I didn’t want to feel. I wanted to be soulless. I wanted the darkness to wash over me. I knew suicide was never an option (a family member had ended their life that way and it was devastating)…throughout high school I battled with my existence. I was cold towards those closest too me. I used to show hatred instead of love…but as a Christian I showed apathy instead of love. I knew hatred towards others was dangerous.

So now, as a twenty-one year old person I’m still struggling. I have stopped self-harming but I still think about hurting myself. I still have panic disorder. I still get nervous about my emotions.

At this point I’ve probably scared a lot of you. I know it’s weird to think of the joy of childhood mixed with the angst that usually waits for the teenage years. I know it’s hard for me to think things were that way too. It wasn’t all bad, but this struggle made a lot of difference in my life. I struggled alone. I didn’t tell my family. I never shared it with friends. I didn’t tell my school. I only told the internet…and only recently.

My big worry is that my younger siblings will pick up my bad habits. They want to know what I struggle with. They have been acting out (complaining about stress) and questioning me: where are your friends, why do you…

*sigh* they call me clumsy, and get frustrated with the skirts of my anxiety. There are other things going on in my family. I feel awful for having so many emotions. I often wish I was a toddler again…the only time when I was sort of normal.

What I really want is to feel emotions in a healthy way. I find it so hard to explain why I NEED to write, why I NEED to garden, why I NEED to spend time with certain friends and avoid others…it’s because I NEED to feel emotions in healthy constructive ways. If I keep it all bottled up I get nervous, I feel guilty for having emotions, I try to find a way to get instant relief from the pain.

For me feelings come like storms. For somebody else it’s just: a word, a song, a touch, a moment, a little sensation…for me it’s way too much to handle.

I’m tired of people teasing me for being so emotionally *sensitive*. I’m not a hopeless romantic. I’m not a wannabe doctor or pre-school teacher. I’m not somebody who despises being alone. The thing that I don’t like is emotions…so how does that make me sensitive? I guess if you mean sensitive in the sense that if I take down the walls I’ve built around my fragile heart…all I have left is the menagerie of wild feelings.

angry lion

Getting Ready For NaNoWriMo: Advice Part 4

Happy Saturday!

I have more tips and tricks to help you get ready for the big writing event.

writing 3start

  • Brainstorm. You can’t write chapter one but don’t put off getting some solid ideas of where your story will go. You can make an outline, come up with names and character sketches, do a storyboard on Pinterest, or talk with a friend about your ideas.
  • Wrap up current projects. Finish as much as you can of your current writing projects. Not only will this free up your time but it will encourage you. ‘You can finish something’. ‘You are not someone who leaves things half done’…that sort of thing. That’s why I’ve worked so much on last year’s project recently.
  • Write short pieces in your genre. Practice working in your genre to see if you really want to commit. Or take the time to complete something you’ve already started in the genre you selected. Is it fun? What is working and what isn’t working? This also may or may not be the time to select which perspective you will write in.
  • Absorb yourself in your genre. This means absorb yourself in: music, movies, books, television, food, YouTube, conversations, museum exhibits, language/style, plays, Google Map locations, fan art, field trips, or whatever else relates to your novel. Leave and breath that novel because in November you won’t have time to research.
  • Write detailed safeguard lists against all possible problems. Who knows what will come up in November…but something is sure to come up. Prepare for the storms! How will you deal with distractions, pacing issues, falling behind on word count, a family emergency, or a party that takes up a day of writing time? Like I mentioned in an earlier post, checking out how other writers have handled their problems can help.
  • Dress up. This is something fun you could try. Dress like a character in your world or dress up like your narrator. Who knows what details you will come away with? If it’s awkward, all the better…you will see how different you are from your character.

I’m excited for November.

Draft One is Done!

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I finished my Cinderella retelling’s first draft last night, at 50, 187 words. Somehow I couldn’t resist the urge to edit a bit and have a tad few more words beyond my finishing count…but haha that’s what happens when you’re a writer.

what cinderella wanted

 

I know the story isn’t where I want it to be, but it’s way closer then the nugget of an idea I had last October.

I didn’t make the romance stifling and I didn’t make the step family EVIL. But the original story is basically intact.

Now, onto other things! I have edits to address, books to read, math to work on, things to accomplish, and a lovely Shabbat were I refrain from doing any creative work. I sort of bent the rules yesterday evening when I wrapped up my novel. I was so tired and I should have been resting, but my whole day was a lazy day. I spent hours on Rachel Phifer’s blog. If you don’t know who she is, she’s the debut author of The Language of Sparrows, which is a book that is so breathtakingly beautiful that I can hardly believe it. Her blog of course is insightful and breathtakingly beautiful as well.

I would ramble, but I don’t want to spend too much time on here this morning. I have some lazy day activities planned.

Have a great day!

So Excited!

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There are updates I must tell you now. I’m at 49k in last year’s NaNo project. That means I just have to write the ending and I’m done! Then I can turn my attention to getting ready for this year’s book which is going to be the exact opposite of a fairy-tale retelling…it’s going to be a contemporary book set in contemporary times.

I’m feeling so much like a little kid right now.

Also my co-author and I have been waiting for our edits and they came in! I’m so excited I can barely breathe.

But first let me say, the idea of making Cinderella into a story with dragons in it was just an idea I had and it grew and grew until it got to this point. I can not believe I was able to put so much into it. I know it’s not great writing. But it’s more then I’ve ever written in my entire life.

marcelle and the dragon

I won’t talk much about it now. I’ll share a video that kept me going through the toughest part of my MS.

I cried after watching this. The song “Impossible” had been stuck in my head all morning, so that’s why I decided to watch the video and later that evening I sung it as a watered the garden. It just reminded me how to dream. I think sometimes it’s easy to forget that. It’s easy to forget the power of dreaming and having faith in something nobody else may believe in. In a way that’s woven into my story, but it’s mostly become my motto as a writer.

I want to write some more short stories soon, so keep your eyes open for those. I did post some on Wattpad.

I am going to go check out my edits now. I’m so excited. You guys are in for a treat. One of the serial novels I’m co-authoring will be up on Figment and Wattpad soon.

I guess I should also get breakfast.

Getting Ready For NaNoWriMo: Advice Part 5

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It’s week 5 of October….time to find writing buddies.

all write tshirt

There are so many places to connect with other writers. Comment down below or search on other blogs. Search Figment or Wattpad. Look on YouTube. Check out the forums on the Nano website.

Here’s some other tips.

  • Think positive. Don’t worry about November…worrying won’t help you. Focus on success stories and pray or seek encouragement from friends. When you are in the trenches writing for your life you will have your faith in your writing abilities to fall back on.
  • Find a space/time for writing. Routine often helps. It’s great to find or carve out a space before NaNo even stars so you won’t be in panic mode midnight November 1st. Check out YA author, Susan Dennard’s advice on routine. I enjoy going to her blog as often as I can and reading writing tips.
  • Make your announcements. Writing a novel is like moving, getting married, having a baby, starting a new career….you can’t not announce it (unless that will completely stomp out your creativity). But I advise you at least announce it on my blog. This will help you with accountability. You have said you are going to write a novel and the world is watching you. It’s what NaNoWriMo is all about. Your stats are out in the open…your word count is pictured on a graph. It’s the perfect time to start working on your book…and complete it!

Can you guys believe it’s next week! National Novel Writing Month 2014 is next week! Wow!

I have huge goals this year. I want to have a novel I can send to publishers, it was one of my New Years’ Resolutions. I’ve been writing and reading all year. I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket but this novel is definitely worth a lot to me.

I’ll see you in November.

Are You Scared Yet?

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So lately I have been having a hard time getting along with people. My sister keeps saying she hates me, an old classmate keeps texting and emailing me for *HELP* on an essay, my Mom is wanting me to look up the prices of something, and so on and so on.

I feel like all I want to do is write or study math or French or Hebrew or Russian…I’ve been reading a lot. I did update some things and add some things on Wattpad and Figment….I’m just tired!

I know I have nothing to fear. Maybe some people think not having a job is scary. I’m fine. I have a home and I have talent.

Maybe some people think not having time to relax is scary…I’ll overcome that!

I’m not afraid this October. I don’t celebrate Halloween, I don’t fret over small things, and I keep myself busy doing what I love.

peace is

Getting Ready For NaNoWriMo: Advice Part 3

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It’s the third week in October and I’m back to share more tips to help you get ready for NaNoWriMo. Whether this is your first time or you are a seasoned pro, I  think you will find at least one piece of advice that will help make next month easier.

This time the advice will probably shock you. I’m here to tell you: be a coach potato.

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I’ll let you take 5 deep breaths and walk around for a bit before you go back to your screen. Are you calm now? Great!

So the reason I said that is because TV is actually a great way to get ideas. Besides Suzanne Collins’ big aha Hunger Games moment….average people like you and me (unless you are reading this Collins) can also get ideas from flipping through the channels.

Being an author can get tiring, you deserve some TV time.

Watch movies too and take notes about life as well. For fun write down the plot of a television show. I sat in front of the TV and wrote down the plot of an episode of Dog With A Blog (a show that really annoys me). Take notes on character development and work on your wordpainting. Describe scenes with as much detail (sounds, smells,taste,sight) as you can or go outside and describe the park, using your real senses…you can even describe your living room!

I will hopefully see you soon with more advice. If you’ve tried any of my tips and tricks let me know in the comments below how they have helped.

Getting Ready For NaNoWriMo: Advice Part 2

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Writing 2start

Hello again! Time for some more NaNo prep. Check out the website for more cool information.

  • Stay organized. This is the perfect time to do Tai Chi every morning and actual use your planer. Learning to get into a routine and keep organized will be helpful when you need to fit 1,667 words per day into your schedule.
  • Try new things and stay active. Not only will this help inspire you as a writer, it will also help keep you from falling apart in the middle of the competition. Remind yourself to make time for family and friends. Don’t be afraid to take that dance class or to bake that new recipe. This is the perfect time to get your airplane license!
  • Encourage other writers. Go wild with your edits, reviews, or conversations about writing. It’s sometimes very lonely business being a writer. Encouragement is often like money. It’s what we don’t expect but thrive off of when it comes. Okay maybe that’s a silly analogy, but hopefully you get the point. Take time to shift your focus off yourself as a writer and celebrate other authors.
  • Check out the genre competition. Maybe your book will be published in a year or two after November and loads of edits. So look at what other science fiction authors are doing, what is the trend and how can your book change the landscape? This is also the time to look at publishers’ websites, author’s blogs and interviews, reviews of books in your genre, agents who except your genre, and what’s new in bookstores. Also look at the greats of your genre. Find classics such as Frankenstein, and compare yourself to Shelley shamelessly.

I will see you soon with more tips. I hope this is helping. If you have any more tips and tricks share them in the comments below.

Watch Me Write!

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So,recently my writing friend, Samantha, tagged me again.

Here you can see screenshots of me reaching 1k in 40 minutes! I did a happy dance after that.

Just click on the pictures to read samples of my work. It’s a rough draft so the wording is blissfully awkward.

My Cinderella retelling (last year’s NaNo project) is now at 45k! I’m so close to 50k I can taste it.

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As usual I was listening to my favorite Scottish station,Thistle radio.

I’ve changed the tag around a bit. I didn’t want to bother figuring out how to do a video. I have felt so low on energy lately and simply writing about writing is tiring. Not to ruin the fun, I did enjoy adding more to my novel and I’m so excited to complete it so I can devote more time to other projects. I don’t think I’ve had more fun writing then yesterday. I felt like I’d won a marathon or something.

Yes, the story is not really done, but the word count nearly is. Once I get to 50k this story will be set aside and I get to pull out the big projects. I’M SO EXCITED!

Getting Ready For NaNoWriMo: Advice Part 1

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man writing

It’s the second week of October and I’m finally able to get onto a computer and share some advice for NaNoWriMo 2014 with you! I’ve been itching to do this. Here are a few things you can start doing to flex your writing muscles.

  • Read as much as you can obsessively.  Create a TBR jar, ask for recommendations, browse magazines at the local drugstore, slip books of the shelves in the library, scan the back of the cereal box, and read novels.
  • Scout blogs and YouTube for advice. There are many people who are sharing advice on how to get through NaNo (the nickname for the event…see I shared advice) and also people who are sharing their experiences from previous years. This will help make things less foreign to you. It was because of my writing friends on Figment that I wanted to try last year.
  • Pick your genre. This can always be changed. I picked contemporary by looking at my old Amazon reviews and seeing which types of books I had enjoyed and read the most of.
  • Look over your old completed writings (in private). I made the mistake of letting my dirty laundry out and was criticized for having sloppy and unprofessional writing. If you want to get teary eyed over a rubbishy manuscript do it by yourself so you can focus on the pros and cons of your writing. If you don’t have an old MS (nickname for manuscript), then look over old essays or short stories or emails. What do you tend to write and finish? What do you enjoy writing?
  • Review soundtracks and music in general. This is because you’ll probably want to write to music and even if you don’t, thinking about music and what you do and don’t like about it…in detailed sentences is great practice for the challenge of spewing out words every day. Becoming more familiar with my music tastes is very important because I need a writing soundtrack–NEED.

I hope to see you doing National Novel Writing Month this year. I try to post more advice throughout October to help you prepare. Think of me as your coach.

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